i love both you and the german language way too much
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Donnerstag, Dezember 26, 2002
i hate the fact that there are things i cannot write about on the blog. maybe i should get a real journal...o RIGHT Im afraid of my fucking brother! NEVERMIND! (ps im sorry I'm only saying this because im so fucking mad at you right now)
10:18 PM
Dienstag, Dezember 24, 2002
ooooooh, the tree is lit and SOOO pretty (like me! :-P)! singing mit die familie is sehr gut, and with daddy still upstairs playing the guitar im feeling all happy and contented and christmassy, though not quite as excited as yesterday. im kind of tired, which may come in handy tonight, and bono and i agree on something christmas related for once in our lives, and have aimed the wakeup for the 9-10 range. if im relaxed after mass, i might actually get 8 hours! my, but that would be a new experience. definitely good to be gettin on schedule, though, as ill have practice to attend starting on ST STEVEN'S DAY (remember this from a project about Ireland in 3rd grade...) aka the 26th.
7:28 PM
soooooooooooooooooooooper (try writing that with 'u's and you may see why i dont like it) excited for Christmas and the eve, tomorrow...especially for Christmas music at midnight mass tomorrow; i havent really heard or sung enough yet this season. We'll also be lighting the tree tomorrow night, at long last, so htis is very much a culmination of all the holday efforts, and I think I've got good presents for people, tho whether or not bono will like the stuff i got him is quite unguessable for me. I tried, at least...hard. and dads pants are too long...but i suppose he oculd have them taken in. theyre nice pants. i think. and theres the triangular prismical (or whatever even fancier word brian's calc teacher likes) box for patrick, whcih makes me muy happy. so yeah. Christmas is good. sehr gut.
12:41 AM
Samstag, Dezember 14, 2002
now i remember why i have no male friends. boys=icky.please, grow up!
11:05 PM
uh oh i hope jenny and cindy are not having a serious fight.
10:45 PM
perahps i should chnage the name of this blog to 'te echo de menos' or whatever the german equivalent is...i think my first live journal was called that, in enlglish, though: 'I miss you.' wrote it right after getting back from cty, i think, but its way too true. i have serious problems with the fact that priya does nto live in westport. its really not ok with me. and then all my ctyers, and all the girls i NEVER SEE in school (missing middle school for the all-together lunches, huh?), and then the brothers and, just, everyone. i think im in a perpetual state of homesickness.
10:07 PM
im irrationally happy, right now. like, seriously mega happy. its good to be me and easily amused by random crap like that kind of stretchy gluey clear stuff that they use to attatch stuff onto plastic wrap and you can peel right off. i just love it. a lot. i'm also happy because i got to eat some chocolate, a rare occurence considering that most chocolate products contain the dairy. muy cool. love that bittersweet chocolate.
8:41 PM
YUCK! just had my veggie pad thai w/o egg from the little kitchen, which, up until now had been my favorite food for a while, only it was FULL of egg AND black (so obviously not my) hair. ew ew ew ew ew. so gross.
1:54 PM
Freitag, Dezember 13, 2002
i realized yesterday that i've substituted german in my life for workshop. its like wherever you go you need some sort of home base to really be able to survive (esp in a semi-hostile environment as staples often seems to be) in eighth grade, at least, workshop was that for me in a really substantial way...and now im starting to think that im using german the same way. our german class is really strating to become this adorable little disfunctional family (even if oliver either hates me or thinks i hate him or both). and we always know that if we really need to, frau will let us take advantage of her in some small way, like studying for math instead of watching das boot, and she'll always give me a pass if i need to go to the cafeteria to buy a bagel when i forget my lab lunch (once i had no money and she gave me an apple and a thing of orange juice she had in her office, lol). i've jsut started to think about this recently, like when we were playing dodge ball in gym and alexis hoffman said 'maggie! you can't hit me! we're in the same GERMAN class!' or something, or when we were taking a quiz and frau left the room and they all started asking each other answers and of course i made some 'don't cheat!!!!!!' plea or other, and mo said something to the effect 'i knew that was coming; love how maggie always get so upset about it!'.
i jsut wrote an email in which i said that i should be jd salinger, and i really should. his stories are kind of seeming to me to be random sequences of isolated events that he's posed as a mental exercise for the reader to try to invent some theme or meaning in. i could do that. i love descriding little practically meaningless events in more detail than necessary, and they dont really have any unifying theme, except that they do because they're my life. dude i need to go to sleep, huh (tho its only 7:30...)? whatever...if you're on the yearbook staff, do me a favor and nominate a new senior superlative, 'most likely to be mistaken for j d salinger' i want it bad.
7:28 PM
Donnerstag, Dezember 12, 2002
grrrrrrr i have a total of 16 new messages and 3 sent messages im hanging onto and i cant' deal with it!!!!!!
8:43 PM
its multiple breakdown thursday, again, kids, and you know what that means!!!!!! multiple breakdowns. thats what it means. actually, i suppose they're really all jsut part of one overarching umbrella-breakdown, but now, for example, im feeling okay, so the next time i feel the weight of depression it'll seem like its own special little breakdown. so yeah. multiple breakdowns. i dont think i can take asr next year...i love the concept of independent work, but this isnt that. I chose my own topic, sure, but i'm constantly being forced into things i dont feel ready for or that i don't understand, and it doesnt feel seflk-guided at all. I feel even less in-control than in my other classes, odd though that is. and to top it off, my dad asked me yesterday 'do you need some jelly? because I've got some jelly in my little fridge.' damn jelly. and plus i feel just horrible about getting in a non-fight with my mom yesterday that, in restrospect would have been totally unecessary if it hadnt happened on a skating day. and some of the things mom said about like how she always tries to change herself when she is upsetting people just mad me really really sad. i mean, i know i do it too and its a good thing, in amany ways, trying to correct faults and harmful habits and stuff, but i still feel like whenver ive gotten mad at my mom for something i was forcing her to reject her nature and her self and almost like my saying that i love her and that i think she's so wonderful is saying that she neede to change to be that way, which of course isnt true. i dont know. im just really sad. and i cant fucking put up wiht school any more. i hate it. even the classes that i like, and stuff, i just can hardly make myself get up before 7:05, or get to school before 7:45. even though most of my teachers have been pretty lenient with tardies and sutff, i just know scheetz will give me the full late for today, which will probably pusk me up another step on the greatest integer function, if you can see the visual. it's really weird, being unhappy. i just dont know how to deal with it. must ge lessons from jenny or else get happier quick. i talked to ms honeycutt today about classes for next year today, and not about the fact that im definitely going to be dropping out of school come march 30th and hopefully becoming a stowaway at erin's house (hey, ill never go hungry...) ooh, and looking over my last post im reallly sad that i was so mad at my parents. maybe i shouldnt wrtie dopwn when im pissed at people so i wont have to deal with it later. no. thats no good. whatever it wouldnt make me sad if i werent already depressed. so yeah. im going to go eat dinner, and maybe have some herbal tea *contented sigh* maybe all i need to do is cry violently for 20 or 30 minutes and then go to sleep for a while and ill feel better. maybe i can fit that in over the weekend. i feel weird.
6:13 PM
Samstag, Dezember 07, 2002
oh, my gosh, i cant believe im freaking flipping out because dad bought me 'two kinds of jelly' but aaaaarrrrrrrgh, i am ! ugh i m so fucjking upset and im crying now. mom has the nerve to tell patrick that I 'live off of jelly' (as patrick says it), and then buy three jars of it (each of us has a historical flavor of jelly), saying that now we'll have it on hand because otherwis someone always says 'there's NO jelly?' grrrrrr that makes me so annoyed! whenever she goes to the store she always seems to ask me if i want any, and im like 'no', and she's like 'i think we're out' and im like 'i. dont. want. jelly.' (very firmly) couldnt she guess (based on her 'lives on jelly' observation ) that the jelly would most definitely NOT stick around and we will definitely NOT have it on hand, because I WILL FUCKING EAT IT ALLLLLLL!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH and i was almost fucking finished with the last of the fucking raspery preserves crap, and now THERE'S MORE FUCKING JELLY IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im going to go insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 and of course, daddy buys one kind that's low sugar, or something 'in case you wanted to try that' and i know hes trying to make me eat 'healthier' or something (though, of course, based on his current dieting habits he would most definitely be diagnosed with anorexia if he werent a fifty-seven-year-old man (he also bought a different kind of bean sprouts and some mixed nuts because of his misdirected protein obsession) and the easiest wya to...ugh nevermind i left when i was writing this to go to the nutcracker and now im back and i am so freaking pissed off at nothing and no one (wiht the possible exception of jelly...) that I can't even be bothered to rant here rihgt now...i kind of wish i were on livejournal, so i could put in my mood, but whatever im so insane right now and i cant even put the mood into words so goonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:51 PM
Mittwoch, Dezember 04, 2002
ohhhhhhh my gosh, i love track and all things running-related! I'ts insane how clearly different I feel after three days in season! I'm like superturboaffenfocused (like a superturboaffengeil affen?). Ahhhhhh, it feels good to be getting stuff done and running and everything! *sigh* I'm so happy. looking forward to the weekend, too. *sigh* (again). life is good.
5:40 PM
Montag, Dezember 02, 2002
talked to lisa the exchange student today...like, really talked to her about some shit about life and stuff...it was weird, but kind of cool (whence comes this line?). i wonder what shes like...what ehr story is and stuff...insane crazy weirdnes. life...tastes...good. coca cola (havent been able to keep that line out of my head, recently, so i thought id finally give in to it).
7:28 PM
nothing so terrrible, nothing so frightening, nothing so overwhelming
7:24 PM
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